deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a
gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn
care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can
learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother
the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I
ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't
they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen
door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that
up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his
ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let
me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can
build yourself a family with those?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.
Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're
gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I
left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart
in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do
me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you
busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in
China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a
Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I
unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the
asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the
craps table.
Santa
P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know
when we're awake, like in the song? Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever
you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please
please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging $HIT may work with your folks, but
that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly
sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get
into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why
you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you
don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto
apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a
gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn
care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can
learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother
the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I
ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't
they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen
door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that
up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his
ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let
me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can
build yourself a family with those?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.
Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're
gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I
left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart
in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do
me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you
busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in
China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a
Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I
unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the
asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the
craps table.
Santa
P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know
when we're awake, like in the song? Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever
you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please
please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging $HIT may work with your folks, but
that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly
sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get
into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why
you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you
don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto
apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
